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You two are acquaintances—treat invitations to her birthday party as you would for any other casual friend, and feel enormously free to mark “no” on your RSVP.There’s no reason to explain to this woman’s sisters that you feel upset about how close she is to her large family. Just say you won’t be able to make it but hope they all have a wonderful time.Dear Prudence, My husband and I have been married eight years.He works with his brother—they’re pretty close, although they’ve drifted apart over the years thanks to his brother’s hard-partying lifestyle.What your husband and his brother have done is so far beyond the pale of acceptable human behavior that any sort of reconciliation is not only impossible, it’s undesirable. Neither one of them deserve your love or your trust. I imagine that right now you must feel disoriented and completely without support.You should not have to spend another night in the same house as a man who saw a video of your rapist’s assaults, knows the same thing later happened to you, and said nothing until now. Please consider seeing a therapist who specializes in sexual assault and trauma.
We either plan separate birthday parties (which is inconsiderate toward friends who have to choose), or plan an event together (which isn’t fun for me because she has five siblings who make a big deal about her gifts and her cake while my family is smaller and doesn’t get all that excited about birthdays).These feelings have been building since elementary school when her mother would bring birthday cake and balloons to school, and our birthday was completely focused on her.I can’t throw my own party that day without putting our mutual friends in an awkward position. You two are not inextricably bound to one another, like two Bearers of the One Ring, just because you happen to have been born on the same day.I am wondering, do I need to gracefully accept the invitation and grin and bear it, or can I tell her sisters I am not coming because I don’t enjoy going to someone else’s birthday party on my birthday? Do not force yourself to sit through a party you know you won’t enjoy and then cry in your car.If her birthday were any other day, I would happily celebrate with her, as I do like her, but I find her family’s birthday fervor upsetting. Do not cry alone in your car unless it is absolutely unavoidable; take every opportunity to minimize the possibility of solo car-crying.
If you need to speak to someone now, or anytime, please call the National Sexual Assault Hotline (1-800-656-HOPE)—it’s free and confidential.